


Unforeseen Discoveries

by ready_to_kick_some_ass



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Autism, Autism Spectrum, F/M, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-07-02 01:25:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15786105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ready_to_kick_some_ass/pseuds/ready_to_kick_some_ass
Summary: Actually Fitz only wanted to watch a documentary about monkeys.But then he discovers something about himself and can't stop thinking about it. Jemma helps.





	Unforeseen Discoveries

It’s a quiet summer evening in August.  
The air in the bus is hot and heavy.  
When Fitz walks from the kitchen to their small tv-room, no one else is to be seen. The other agents are either in their bunks, laying in bed doing nothing, or went out to get some cool drinks.

Jemma is out with Daisy.  
They decided to use the rare free time to have a girl’s night out.

Fitz doesn’t mind being alone for an evening. Not at all.  
He found out there’s a documentary about monkeys, made himself a huge bowl of popcorn and now settles on the couch in front of the telly.  
Another documentary is still running when Fitz turns it on.  
He watches it distractedly, not really listening, shoving a handful of popcorn into his mouth, while thinking about his and Jemma’s current lab project for a moment.  
But then he freezes in surprise, his eyes widening slightly.  
The man on the screen, who was doing some drawing, flaps his hands excitedly. It’s exactly the same movement Fitz does sometimes, when he can’t contain himself.

The next moment, now listening and watching closer, he finds out that it’s a documentary about autism.

He stares at the screen, his mouth slightly open, the bowl of popcorn now completely forgotten.  
The calm voice of the narrator says that autism comes in many different forms. He also talks about special interests, and self-stimulatory behavior like hand flapping or rocking.

Fitz feels a strange fluttering in his stomach.  
_Autism._  
He heard a few things about it. Sometime. In the past.

When the documentary is finished a little while later, he switches the telly off. He can’t watch anything else right now. He feels confused. What he has seen and heard is quite familiar, but it was too quick and too little for him to form a proper image in his head.  
He needs … more information about this.   

So he takes his laptop, starting to search the internet.

The more he reads about autism, the more his confusion grows.  
It’s not only that he discovers a few things he can relate to. No.  
This is _him_.

Monkeys are his special interest.  
The hand flapping is stimming.  
He often takes things to literally, missing sarcasm or doesn’t understand jokes.  
He dislikes changes and prefers routines.  
He can’t stand certain smells or noises. Frying fish literally makes him gagging.  
And there’s even more.  
It makes his head spin.

He chews on his lip nervously. What does this mean?  
_Is_ he autistic?

He never really considered it before.

His father called him weird.  
His mum calls him special.

No one ever called him autistic.

His discovery makes him both anxious and strangely excited. He can’t think of anything else right now. So he searches the internet for even more information.    
More than three hours pass, while he’s doing his frantic research.  
He  reads a few blogs from autistic people, who talk about how they learned that their stimming behaviour isn’t something weird or wrong, but a way to express themselves and that it’s completely okay to do it.

Fitz thinks about his hand flapping again and swallows.  
He learned to try to suppress and hide it, because his father would start screaming at him because of it.  
And he still feels bad, guilty even, when he realizes he couldn’t hold it back and people saw him doing it.    
Apparently, he shouldn’t be ashamed for it at all.  
Apparently, it’s just his way to deal with overstimulation, a way of relief. And in fact it actually feels good for him when he does it, but since it's always accompanied by bad feelings, he wouldn't call it a relief.  
The people on the blogs say that it’s a form of abuse when parents shame their kids for their stimming.  
So is this just another thing his father ruined for him?  

Fitz doesn’t know what to feel anymore. It's too much.  
He closes the laptop, staring into the void.

“Fitz!” Jemma suddenly comes into the room, smiling brightly. Her cheeks are red and her eyes slightly glassy. She stumbles to the bed, falling on it with a muffled sigh.  
“I’m a bit tipsy, I think?” She tells Fitz unnecessarily.

Fitz shakes his head in mild amusement.  
“Did you and Daisy have a good time?” He asks distractedly.

“Yes. Lovely. It was lovely,” Jemma says. She lays her head on Fitz’s lap, closing her eyes.  
“You’re so soft,” she mumbles. And falls asleep.

Fitz smiles down at her.  
He runs a hand through Jemma’s hair slowly, the movement, her presence and familiar smell calming his nerves a bit.  
But he still can’t stop thinking about what he found out today.

Finally, he discovered something that might explain … well, that might explain him.  
And he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to feel about it.

*

The next day in the lab, Fitz can’t concentrate.  
He does the simplest things wrong, getting on Jemma’s nerves, who finally asks him for the reason of his unusual behaviour.  
“You are so distracted, today, love. What’s the matter?”

“Um. Nothing. It’s nothing,” Fitz says quickly.

“ _Nothing_ wouldn’t make you put that substance into the wrong box,” Jemma scolds softly, taking it from him carefully.

Fitz sighs. He nervously starts to fumble with his hands.  
“Well. I was watching telly yesterday. I wanted to watch a documentary about monkeys. Before it, there was another documentary. It was about, um, autism.” He feels his face warming.

Jemma looks at him, surprised. “Oh?”

“Yeah. Well. There were a few things … no. Actually, there were _a lot_ of things the people in that documentary did, that reminded me of myself. And I got curious. I looked it up on the internet. And found even more.” He looks down at his feet.

Jemma nods.  
She wipes a strand of hair out of her face.  
“You think _you_ might be autistic?” She asks him.

Fitz shrugs uncertainly. “I don’t know …”

“Well. It would make sense. To be honest, I thought about it more than just once,” Jemma admits.

Fitz looks up at her, surprised.  
“You did?”

“Yes. But I thought it to be, um, quite personal. That’s why I didn’t ask you that time. Anyway, do you want to show me the things you found on the internet?” Jemma asks, smiling. “We could talk about it?”

Fitz nods, relived. “Yeah. Okay.”

*

“How do you feel now?” Jemma asks him, after they looked at the information and talked about it for almost two hours. They even watched a few videos. Now they are laying on their bed, Jemma’s head on Fitz’s chest.

Fitz sighs.  
“I’m still not sure.”

“You know, you could ask a professional about it. I heard that many people get diagnosed as adults, because autism wasn’t considered when they were kids,” Jemma tells him.

“I don’t know,” Fitz mumbles. “It makes me anxious to think about it.”

Jemma nods thoughtfully. She lays a hand on his cheek.  
“To discover new things about yourself are always a bit scary, I think. But it might explain things, answer questions and help you with your identity? Who you are, matters, after all. And this would be an important part of you, wouldn’t it?”

“You’re right. It would explain some things I always wondered about. But … it might also cause changes. How would the others react to it? What if they act differently around me when they know?”

Jemma smiles up at him.  
“They won’t act differently. They will just continue what they already do: Love you like you are.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. And maybe knowing will help you to overcome the bad feelings you have, when you do the hand flapping or start to ramble about your special interest? Because you really don’t need to feel bad for it Fitz. That your father insulted you for it is not your fault at all. Everything you do ... It’s _you_. And you’re perfect like you are.” She gives him a kiss on the forehead. “But it’s your decision. You don’t need to ask for a diagnose if you don’t want to.”

“I think I want to,” Fitz tells her. The thing she said about his father struck a nerve in him. Maybe, knowing the reason for the things, he does, that no one else seemed to be doing around him, would in fact help him to deal with the feelings of shame and guilt, he has developed because of his father’s reactions and the bullies in school. Maybe he could start to accept himself and his characteristics more. Maybe. It’s worth a try isn’t it? If there’s a chance that he will feel better afterwards and will be able to just do things that make him feel better without feeling the urge to hide them.

“But,” he adds a bit anxious. “Will you come with me?”

 “Sure. I’m with you whatever you do and wherever you go, Fitz.”

“Okay. Thanks Jemma.”

**Author's Note:**

> I read this very interesting, actually well written article: [ 'All my life suddenly made sense': how it feels to be diagnosed with autism late in life ](https://www.theguardian.com/society/2016/nov/19/autism-diagnosis-late-in-life-asperger-syndrome-john-harris)
> 
> This fic is quite personal (like almost every other fic I write lol, it's just self projecting every single time) and is basing on true happenings. Please consider to not be rude in the comments, thanks <3 
> 
> I'm not a native speaker and always grateful for being corrected! I'm constantly trying to improve my English, so please don't hesitate to tell me about mistakes. <3
> 
> Visit me on tumblr: [ready-to-kick-some-ass](https://ready-to-kick-some-ass.tumblr.com/) :)


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